We made it back to Texas A'OK, great news that I-35 wasn't blocked by any Sky material at all.
No stars, clouds or blue sky on the ground anywhere. I was worried by all the reports the Sky was Falling! We made it back in 13 hours!

So my Glass Half Full Rant.

Big 10 - 12 Wins & 2 Losses, I'm proud to be apart of that 12!
30 Pts - The word is we need to increase scoring. 2015 Ncaa spg avg 30pts (Iowa) was 54th, a jump of 51 spots
NO SACKS, very few negative plays
Rodney Smith was Awesome
Mitch was a Leader
Oline did what an avg 6'5 320lbs line does it wears down a defense, in the 4th the LOS was moving backwards on every snap.
Out Scored our opponent 13-0 in the 4th. (Remember boys all qtr's count)

Coach Bill Parcells used to say if you can win 2 of 3 parts of the Game you will win most of your games. (Offense, Defense and Special Team) Our Special Teams played great, Great Punts, 4 Touchbacks, Long Field goal to take the lead, (1 negative play)

Defense looks Long, Lean and Mean! ( except Thick Steven Richardson - He has to be the Hardest DT in D1 football to block) Great Depth losing 3 players to correct calls. But those guys played hard. My old Coach used to say if you make a mistake you better be going a 100%, well those guys were going 100% in my book.
Turnovers - Check
Big 3rd down plays - get off the field - Check
Big 4th Down plays and win the Game - Check
Allow fewer points than what the offense Scores! - Check

So you can argue we won all 3, which is the side I'm on. Or worst case we won 2 of the 3 and we won.

A Great Philosopher once said -

“Usually the team that scores the most points wins the game.”

John Madden

or

"You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you."

Yogi Berra

DeShone Kizer is the QB for Notre Dame.. In the Irish loss to Texas last night, Kizer had 5 TD passes and 6 TDs total, on the road.. Granted, last night the defenses were not very good for either side so this has to be taken with a grain of salt in terms of how the season plays out for the Irish. But Kizer is going to be a QB to keep an eye on if he stays healthy.

I know DeShone's family as he is from Toledo. Both his mom and dad were star athletes in NW Ohio high schools and college.. His dad, Derek, was a basketball player from Bowling Green State University.....DeShone has good size(6-4 225) and speed.. A very strong arm as I remember him in HS throwing 60-65 yard passes in pregame, seemingly without effort.. He is a very smart kid, as well. Can be a very nice kid. His dad has helped him in the mental preparation of being a college athlete. Played multiple sports in HS. He is a kid that will get more press as he plays more and I think will get pro looks soon. NFL teams are looking for QBs that can make good reads and I think it will be interesting to see DeShone's development in that area.. He is willing and able to learn quickly, which I honestly think is his biggest asset as a player. Hoping that the Vikings keep an eye on this kid if Teddy can't come back in the future, regardless how Sam Bradford works out for them.

After week 1 (no ND, FL St, Ol Miss, and TX QBs) Mitch is:
4th in B1G
28th in country

and Mississippi State LOST to a directional Alabama school!

Three huge upsets in the early games.

Some of you should remind yourselves of these games before you are too hard on our beloved Golden Gophers.

The Gophers extended a Preferred Walk-On offer to Eastview (Apple Valley) RB/LB Mike Delich at the game against Oregon State. The following day, Delich helped lead an Eastview team that was winless last season, to a 23-8 upset victory over third ranked Woodbury. Delich led the offense with over 200 yards on the ground and a 25-yard TD reception, along with several tackles on defense.

Gopher Wrestling has a good class of 2016-17 commits including elite recruits Mitch McKee and Hunter Marko. And they had commitments from two other elite recruits Owen Webster and Lucas Jeske, which would have made this a stellar recruiting class. However, Webster and Jeske could not qualify academically for the U, so they have just committed to Division III powerhouse Augsburg College.

Jeske would likely have worked his way into being a starter at the U, but the big loss here was Owen Webster. Webster who just won the 182# title at Fargo this summer, was a truly elite level wrestler who might likely have been a multiple year starter and AA for the Gophers. So, this one is a real loss for the G-Men!!!

I know they both really wanted to be Gophers!

The qualification process for these two commits seemed to take a very long time...and it makes me wonder how the coaching staff thought they could qualify?? We will have RS Freshman Bobby Steveson at 184 next year before he will likely move up to 197 the following year. We did take 182 lb. Dylan Anderson from Hudson, WI in this year's class (as we probably knew that Webster didn't qualify), and he did go 5-2 at Fargo this summer...but he is a development project, so we will likely have a hole in the lineup at 184 in 2017-18.

Here's the announcement by Augsburg College on their new recruiting class (with Jeske and Webster in bold):


Augsburg announces recruiting class that includes Webster, Jeske

Augsburg College Sports Information
9/2/2016


Owen Webster celebrates after winning a Junior freestyle title in Fargo (Photo/The Guillotine)

MINNEAPOLIS -- The Augsburg College wrestling team will welcome an incoming class with numerous major accomplishments, including a world cadet bronze medal, two junior/cadet national championships, eight junior/cadet All-American honors, and five state high school championships, the coaching staff has announced.

The 17-member incoming class, which includes 16 first-year wrestlers and one transfer, has combined to produce 41 state tournament qualifications and 29 state placings, including five state championships.

"The coaching staff and I are very excited about our incoming recruiting class. It is one of the most accomplished classes in Augsburg College history," said Jim Moulsoff, entering his third season as Augsburg's head coach in 2016-17. "Combined, this class has had eight All-American honors at the USA Wrestling Junior and Cadet National Championships, and five different wrestlers won individual high school state championships. As well as being great wrestlers, these young men have also done a great job in the classroom and are committed to continuing our great team culture of commitment to academics."

Winners of a record 12 NCAA Division III national titles since 1991, the Auggie wrestlers are coming off a 12-4 dual-meet record and fifth-place national tournament finish in 2016, the Auggies' 28th straight top-10 national finish. Augsburg has finished among the top five teams nationally 34 times in school history, including 27 of the last 28 years. In addition, the Auggies have been a tremendous success in the classroom, claiming 135 National Wrestling Coaches Association Scholar All-America honors over the past 31 years. Augsburg has finished among the top-10 Division III teams in the NWCA's Scholar All-America team rankings since 1998, including a 10th-place finish in 2016 with a 3.27 team grade-point average. Augsburg has claimed the academic national title twice since 1998.

"These individuals will be a great addition to our current wrestlers in the room, which include a national champion, three returning All-Americans and 10 wrestlers who have competed at the national championships," said Tony Valek, Augsburg's associate head coach. "We look forward to continuing our strong tradition of Augsburg wrestling, as we work toward adding to our record 12 NCAA Division III national championships."

Augsburg's 2016-17 season opens on Nov. 19 with the annual Auggie-Adidas Open at Si Melby Hall.

Here is a look at the 2016-17 Augsburg wrestling incoming class:

SAM ANDERSON (East Bethel, Minn./Totino-Grace HS, heavyweight)
• Three-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier, including a third-place finish in 285-AA in 2016 and 4th-place finish at 285-AA in 2015.
• Finished 24-3 in 2015-16 and 37-7 in 2014-15.

JOHN BARTEE (Fridley, Minn., 141 pounds)
• Two-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier
• Finished 26-6 in 2015-16 and 18-9 in 2014-15.

JACK BERGELAND (Blaine, Minn./Centennial HS, 133 pounds), transfer from Wisconsin-La Crosse
• Three-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier, finishing fourth at 106-AAA in 2014 and sixth at 106-AAA in 2013.
• Finished 33-12 in 2014-15, 40-6 in 2013-14 and 37-10 in 2012-13.

BRENT CHAMBERS (Princeton, Minn., 197 pounds or heavyweight)
• Two-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier, finishing sixth at 220-AA in 2015.
• Finished 29-5 in 2015-16 and 36-7 in 2014-15.

RYAN EPPS (Cannon Falls, Minn., 149 or 157 pounds)
• Double All-American at 152 pounds at the 2016 USA Junior Freestyle and Greco-Roman National Championships. Epps placed sixth in Greco-Roman and eighth in Freestyle, one of only three Minnesota seniors to accomplish double All-American honors.
• Won the 145-AA Minnesota state championship in 2016. Also finished fourth at 132-AA in 2015, and second at 120-AA in 2014.
• Four-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier.
• Finished 39-0 in 2015-16, 39-4 in 2014-15, 37-6 in 2013-14 and 32-5 in 2012-13.

MONTY FREDERIKSEN (Cambridge, Minn./Cambridge-Isanti HS, 125 or 133 pounds)
• Two-time state tournament qualifier (132-AAA in 2015 and 2016).
• Finished 30-10 in 2015-16 and 30-8 in 2014-15.

JULIAN GEORGESCU (Fort Lauderdale, Fla./Cardinal Gibbons HS, 174 pounds)
• Two-time Florida state tournament qualifier, finishing third at 170-1A in 2016 and sixth at 170-1A in 2015.
• Finished 48-2 in 2015-16 and 52-6 in 2014-15.

VICTOR GLIVA (Farmington, Minn., 125 pounds)
• Won the 113-AAA Minnesota state championship in 2016. Also finished second at 106-AAA in 2015.
• Three-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier.
• Finished 44-1 in 2015-16, 45-3 in 2014-15 and 29-16 in 2013-14.

BRANDONN GORE (South St. Paul, Minn., 184 pounds)
• Finished sixth at 182-AA at the 2016 Minnesota state tournament with a 24-15 record.

ETHAN HOFACKER (Spring Valley, Wis., heavyweight)
• All-American at the 2016 USA Cadet Greco-Roman National Championships, when he placed sixth at 220 pounds.
• Won the 220-D3 Wisconsin state championship in 2016. Also finished second at 220-D3 in 2015 and third at 195-D3 in 2014.
• Three-time Wisconsin state tournament qualifier.
• Finished 40-3 in 2015-16, 40-6 in 2014-15 and 44-4 in 2013-14.

LUCAS JESKE (St. Michael, Minn./St. Michael-Albertville HS, 165 or 174 pounds)
• Ranked as Intermat's No. 55 overall recruit in the nation entering the 2015-16 season.
• Ranked No. 15 in Intermat's 2015-16 final high school rankings at 182 pounds.
• All-American at the 2016 USA Junior Freestyle National Championships, after making the finals and recording a national runner-up finish at 160 pounds.
• Won the 152-AAA Minnesota state championship in 2015. Also finished second at 170-AAA in 2016.
• Two-time Minnesota state qualifier.
• Finished 45-3 in 2015-16 and 20-1 in 2014-15

MARCUS PLACIDE (Minneapolis, Minn./Washburn HS, 165 or 174 pounds)
• Competed at the Minnesota state tournament (170-AAA) and compiled a 31-7 record in 2015-16.

CAMERON SCHMITZ (New Prague, Minn. 184 pounds)
• Finished third at 182-AA at the 2016 Minnesota state tournament with a 36-11 record.

BYRON SIMMONS (Chicago, Ill./Simeon HS, 141 pounds)
• Competed at the 138-3A section tournament in Illinois in 2016 with a 29-4 record.

TANNER VASSAR (Maple Lake, Minn./Annandale-Maple Lake HS, 141 pounds)
• Finished fourth at Minnesota state tournament at 132-AA in 2016, second at 126-AA in 2015, and third at 120-AA in 2015.
• Four-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier.
• Finished 38-8 in 2015-16, 40-4 in 2014-15, 33-9 in 2013-14 and 29-10 in 2012-13.

JOSHUA VERBETEN (Wrightstown, Wis. 149 or 157 pounds)
• Three-time Wisconsin state tournament qualifier, finishing second at 152-D2 in 2016 and fifth at 132-D2 in 2014.
• Finished 40-8 in 2015-16, 28-14 in 2014-15 and 37-17 in 2013-14.

OWEN WEBSTER (Shakopee, Minn. 184 pounds)
• Ranked as Intermat's No. 40 overall recruit in the nation entering the 2015-16 season.
• Bronze medalist at the 2015 UWW Cadet World Championships at 187.5 pounds freestyle.
• National champion at the 2016 USA Junior Freestyle National Championships (182 pounds).
• National champion and national runner-up at the 2015 UWW National Freestyle and Greco-Roman Championships.
• Four-time All-American at the USA Junior & Cadet Freestyle & Greco-Roman National Championships.
• Won the 152-AAA Minnesota state tournament in 2014. Also finished fifth at 160-AAA in 2015 and fourth at 138-AAA in 2013.
• Three-time Minnesota state tournament qualifier.
• Finished 38-4 in 2014-15, 32-5 in 2013-14, and 30-10 in 2012-13.

JONNY ZARNKE (Chaska, Minn. 184 pounds)
• Two-time Minnesota state qualifier, finishing third at 182-AAA in 2016 and fifth at 182-AAA in 2015.
• Finished 34-7 in 2015-16 and 24-10 in 2014-15.

I was camping and didn't often have internet so I'm catching up. Anyhow I was reading the 2 point thread and have some thoughts. Several times I have seen Joe LaBuda the coach from Memonomie WI speak on special team play. They had a really aggressive special teams package (haven't watched them in years but assume they still do). One thing he said that has stuck with me is "you need to fake when you should punt and punt when you should fake. You gotta got for it when you shouldn't or people will always know what you're going to do.

Many people have praised Claeys for being aggressive when it works. The thing you've gotta remember is sometimes it's not going to work but you gotta keep doing it.

Watched the game again yesterday before the shorthorns v. irish game.

Jack Lynn made some great plays. He was an unsung hero as a few of his key tackles stopped drives at key points.

Considering he lost 2 of his counterparts to targeting, he had to play well...and he did.

Kudos to him for a great game.

Anything to take the SEC down a notch. Tired of that overrated league. Good for Wisconsin, great for the B1G.

I still hate Wisconsin, but that was a great win.

Rising Junior Patrick McKee (St. Michael-Albertville) committed to the U on August 21st via twitter. Patrick is the younger brother of 2016-17 elite recruit Mitch McKee and he is currently the #7 ranked wrestler at 113 lbs. He projects at 125 in college.

Patrick has been improving rapidly over the past couple of years and he will be an elite level recruit by the time he graduates HS in 2018. Those of us who follow Gopher Wrestling are hoping that we will get some other big commitments in our 2018 recruiting class including #1 overall ranked Gable Steveson (Apple Valley - younger brother of 2015 elite recruit Bobby Steveson) and his close friend #6 ranked Roman Bravo-Young (Sunnyside, AZ). Gable currently wrestles 220 lbs., but he would be the next great Gopher heavyweight...likely a multiple times Natty Champ!! And Bravo-Young is small, like McKee, so he would project as a 125 pounder. I'm not sure whether we need both McKee and Bravo-Young, but with McKee's love for Gopher Wrestling, he would likely have committed even if Bravo-Young was a commit.

We are coming down to the last two months before the Nov. 9th early signing day, so there is a lot of very active recruiting going on. We are still in the game for #8 ranked Senior 182 lb. Jacob Warner (Washington, IL) and #9 ranked Senior Brady Berge (Kasson-Mantorville, MN). Iowa is pushing very hard to get these two guys too. Berge's older brother Broc transferred from IA last year to MN, but he is no longer listed on the Gopher roster. Someone on The Guillotine wrestling forum said he may be done with wrestling. So, I'm not sure whether this will affect our recruitment of Brady.

Here's Patrick McKee's post on Facebook and an article on his commitment:


(Per his post on Facebook)

For most people who know me, know that wrestling is a huge part of my life and part of what makes me who I am. There are also so many people that have helped me get to where I am today and those people are in Minnesota and that's why I would like to make my verbal commitment to the University of Minnesota to continue my athletic and academic career. Being a Minnesota kid I have grown up watching the gophers and have always imagined myself in a maroon and gold singlet. Even through ups and downs I strongly believe in what the program has to offer me and also believe that they are going to help me reach the goals I have set for myself #gopherstrong



Patrick McKee to the University of Minnesota

Written by: Pablo Di Maria in High School Wrestling, Wrestling News Wire 08/22/2016

Six time USAW Fargo All-American Patrick McKee announced, via twitter, his decision to continue his collegiate career with the Golden Gophers. A two-year varsity starter for St Michael-Albertville High School, McKee was successful in gaining a Minnesota Class AAA state championship this past season in the 106-pound weight division. Only a junior, McKee has compiled an 82-13 prep record, and has advanced to the state tournament the past two seasons.

Besides winning a state championship last season, McKee was triumphant in winning the prestigious Cheesehead tournament in Wisconsin and finished with a 5-1 record at the always tough Clash tournament. McKee is currently ranked #7 in the nation at 113-pounds.

McKee is expected to compete in the 125/133 weight class in college.

Patrick McKee‏@P_mckee99 Aug 21


I'm excited to announce my verbal commitment to the University of Minnesota to continue my athletic and academic #gopherstrong




Yesterday #28 ranked Senior Jake Allar (St. M-A - projects to 174#s) committed to Iowa State, which has a banner 2017 class of 6 Top 100 commits. Although Allar is an elite recruit that has improved a lot over the last year, I'm not sure he was a target of Minny. Also Tucker Sjomeling (Delano, MN - projects to 133/141) committed to Nebraska on Aug. 30th.

Here are two articles from Intermat on Allar and ISU:


No. 28 Allar second Junior free champ for Iowa State in 2017 class

InterMat Staff
9/3/2016

Junior National freestyle champion Jake Allar (St. Michael-Albertville, Minn.) verbally committed to Iowa State University on Saturday afternoon. The No. 28 overall wrestler in the Class of 2017 became the third top 100 commit for the Cyclones in this year's recruiting class. Allar is also a three-time state medalist, winning a state title during his junior season.

Further accomplishments for Allar include a fifth place finish in last fall's Super 32 Challenge, a 2015 Cadet folkstyle national title, a 2014 Cadet Greco-Roman national title, and making the 2015 UWW Cadet World team in Greco-Roman at 69 kilograms. He projects to compete at 174/184 pounds in college, and will join No. 13 Austin Gomez (Glenbard North, Ill.) and No. 68 Marcus Coleman (Ames, Iowa) as ranked recruits in this class going to Iowa State.


Verkleeren, Mantanona make it two more elite Iowa State commits in 2017 class

InterMat Staff
9/3/2016

The first Saturday of September became a more than banner day for Iowa State in terms of 2017 recruiting. Adding to the verbal commitment of No. 28 Jake Allar (St. Michael-Albertville, Minn.) is two more high end commitments, those coming from No. 24 Jarod Verkleeren (Belle Vernon Area, Pa.) and No. 32 Anthony Mantanona (Palm Desert, Calif.)

Verkleeren was a state medalist during his sophomore season of high school. Within the last 12-to-15 months, Verkleeren was a UWW Cadet World freestyle champion at 69 kilograms and a runner-up at the Walsh Jesuit Ironman competing in the 145 pound weight class. He also was a Junior freestyle runner-up this summer at 145 pounds. Verkleeren projects to compete as a 149/157 in college.

Mantanona is a two-time state medalist, including a runner-up finish this past year at 170 pounds. Prior to the start of last season, he placed fourth at the Super 32 Challenge in the 170 pound weight class; while after the season, he was champion of the Flo Nationals competing at 160 pounds. Mantanona also was a Junior National champion in Greco-Roman this summer at 160 pounds, and projects to compete at 174 in college.

Verkleeren and Mantanon join the earlier reported verbal commitment of Allar, along with those from No. 13 Austin Gomez and No. 68 Marcus Coleman in what is a banner start to 2017 recruiting for the Cyclones.

I bet he's struggling about now.

Positives:
-Rodney Smith was awesome tonight. Over 120 yards rushing and two touchdowns, he had some big runs and showed a knack for making guys miss after contact.
-Tai'yon Devers was unbelievable. Two of his first four snaps as a Gopher he got around the edge and had strip sacks! There is no way we win this game without his efforts tonight. What a performance.
-Damarius Travis and Jalen Myrick played like the stars we hoped they would be. A couple of pass breakups each, Myrick had a big kick return to start the game, these two are clearly two of Minnesota's best all around players.
-Kamal Martin already looks the part at defensive end. He showed a nice burst off the edge and recovered a fumble after one of Devers strip sacks. Expect him to play more and more as the season wears on.
-Tyler Johnson was clearly the best receiver for Minnesota on the field tonight. Runs nice routes and caught three passes in his first action as a Gopher.
-Nate Wozniak is a weapon. He had a beautiful catch on a seam route up the field for a big gain. He's almost impossible to miss and at least 7 inches taller than any defensive player he will face. Match up nightmare.
-The offensive line created nice holes for the running game and gave Mitch good time in the pocket to throw for the most part. Calhoun was shaken up but later returned to the action.

Things that didn't go well:
-A couple bad snap exchanges cost Minnesota over 30 yards in total and a safety. Have to get that cleaned up.
-Pedestrian playcalling for the most part by Jay Johnson and company. Think they will adjust as they see what kind of pieces they have on offense.
-Mitch Leidner made some very questionable decisions throwing the ball tonight. He went short a couple times when he had guys open down the field and threw incomplete passes.
-The receiving core put out on the field tonight was brutal. Smith really struggled to get open and Wolitarsky had a couple drops and muffed a punt that led to points for Oregon State. Tyler Johnson in his first game at receiver was the only one that stood out.
-Kunle Ayinde had a really tough game. He missed several tackles and got burned by Victor Bolden for a touchdown catch. Minnesota's second safety position will be a revolving door for awhile until they find the right guy for the job.
-False start and illegal motion penalties galore. Very sloppy on offense.
-Three Gophers ejected for targeting penalties, including two of the three starting linebackers in Celestin and Poock.

Bottom Line:
-Great that after all the things that went wrong tonight, the Gophers still came out victorious over another Power 5 football team.
-Shannon Brooks was definitely missed tonight. Such a physical runner that will complement Smith very well.
-Minnesota might have found their top pass rusher, and he is a freshman who has only played football for three years! (Devers)
-Playmakers needed at receiver. No explosive playmakers at that spot tonight. Johnson needs more playing time and Carter, Gentry and Holland need to get healthy again.
-The offense will continue to open up more as the season goes on and Jay Johnson finds out who his top playmakers are at receiver.
-Rodney Smith is a step quicker from a year ago and much stronger as well. He is one heck of a back that could easily go for 1,000 yards this year.
-Who will step up at the safety position next to Travis? Rogers, Ayinde, Amoako or Johnson?
-Steven Richardson is still a force in the middle, and could be an All-B1G defensive tackle if he stays healthy.

Came in from the pool to see end of
There game.... I'm completely amazed how they continue to be good. Year after year after year changing coaches etc..We need a aggressive flipping athletic dept and figure this shut out. Have they had a bad year in the last decade ??

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Browns claim BBC, Gray makes cut for Dolphins

Over the years I have enjoyed Matt Humbert's work. He is no longer on Twitter (@MVofDT) nor can I find him on competing sites. Did he vanish without a trace or give up on the Gophers? The silence is deafening. Did I miss something? Crickets is all I hear in reply. MJH any insight?

Plus's and minus's over coffee at my desk.

Plus: You can see Tyler Johnson has something special. Sharp cuts, snatches the ball out of the air, and he has a natural awareness.
Minus: We were discussing the different snap lengths earlier this week, although I do not think that really had that much to do with the stray hikes. I think there was an overamped and fired up #77 possibly and that we will not see any more of that next week.
Plus: Faster decision making by Mitch, quicker rhythm to the pass plays= no sacks. Have not seen that much room in front of Mitch for his throws since he has been here.
Minus: The targeting calls. I guess I have to see some replays or something. No balance at all by the refs.
Plus: Good game to get some of the younger secondary some live work. Motion, drag routes and some deep routes. It took 5 tries but we finally covered the screen pass towards the end of the game.
Plus/Minus: Pulled Pork with Dry Slaw came off well, but the slow cooker ended up on IR.

Win column, will take it.

I guess I thought we were going to spread the field more. It seemed like we ran from a lot of bunch or tighter formations. I thought the whole point was to spread them out and get defenders away from the box to open up running lanes???

I think we really missed Lingen and Carter in the passing game. Wolitarsky doesn't get much separation. Johnson looks like he runs good routes and expect him to become a bigger factor each week.

Hopefully Still is okay.

Holland take any snaps?

Early on it seemed like the Oregon State OC knew exactly what blitzes Jay was going to run and called perfect plays for them. We seemed to adjust.

Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

"Real sorry about this," Tracy Claeys said to Oregon State head football game Gary Andersen after Thursday night's game.


In an unprecedented move, head football coach Tracy Claeys has announced that the Minnesota Golden Gophers football program will forfeit their remaining games this season in the aftermath of an uninspiring victory over the Oregon State Beavers at home to open the season.

"I can't, in good conscience, allow this football team to take the field again after what happened on Thursday night," said Claeys in front of the few Twin Cities media members not at the airport trying to find hiding spots for the coordinated ambush of Sam Bradford. "There is a reason we schedule Power 5 non-conference opponents to open the season, and it ain't to improve the level of competition. That's for dang sure. It's for blowout wins that will allow us to rest our starters in the second half. We didn't do that, obviously."


Claeys was quick to point out that the Golden Gophers' performance on Thursday night was made worse when compared to their Big Ten brethren. "You don't see defending league champ Michigan State struggling against Furman. You don't see Northwestern losing to Western Michigan. You look around the conference, we're the only team that isn't a finished product in the first week of the season. I can't abide that."

When one media member dared to ask whether the team could improve over the course of the season and correct mistakes like bad snaps, false starts, and muffed punts, Claeys wouldn't hear it. "If that were possible, I doubt our fan base would be throwing in the towel already. What you see is what you get. End of story."

Most were baffled when Claeys opted to go for two when up by a touchdown against the Beavers late in the game, but he was quick to explain where his head was at for that particular decision. "The spread was about 13.5 in our favor, last I checked. We go up by nine at that point, then all we need is a field goal and a safety to beat that spread. It's simple logic. Let's be honest. If you can't beat the spread in your season opener, you might as well flush the rest of the season down the toilet."

Defensive coordinator Jay Sawvel said he agrees with Claeys' decision to forfeit the season, and accepted much of the blame after the defense was gashed on screen passes. "That screen pass, I tell you, I've never seen anything like it in all my years of coaching. I don't know where that came from. There's no stopping it," said Sawvel, still wearing the same clothes from Thursday's game after back-to-back sleepless nights. "I mean, what do you want me to do? Stop blitzing? Coach the players on how to better recognize a screen?" Sawvel had to be sedated when he started talking about "making adjustments."

New offensive coordinator Jay Johnson was not available to the media, but was spotted at the team's practice facility lecturing quarterback Mitch Leidner about his completion percentage. "Throwing an interception is not an incomplete pass when you complete it to the other team," Johnson could be heard saying to his senior quarterback.


It is unclear whether season ticket holders will be refunded for the remaining home games, but new athletic director Mark Coyle has a plan. "Fans deserve better than the product we put on the field Thursday night. So each Saturday this fall, rather than a home football game, I will be performing a one-man rendition of 'Death of a Salesman' on the field at TCF Bank Stadium. I hope fans will come out and watch."

Fans have already taken to Twitter to voice their concerns as to whether or not Coyle is right choice for the lead role in "Death of a Salesman."

This article is satire. If you made it this far and thought otherwise, may God have mercy on your soul. Thanks for reading.


More from The Daily Gopher

Vikings' season goes down the toilet, it appears. Gotta roll with the Gophs alone now.

http://www.dailynorseman.com/2016/8...y-bridgewater-suffers-non-contact-knee-injury

- Great to be back at the Bank, what a beautiful night for football under the lights.

- For those that don't have tailgating lined up on game days, how great is Surly for an alternative pre-game spot? Not living in MN, that was my first visit and wow did it live up to the hype. That place is fantastic, too bad they don't really do anything game-day related.

- Seriously, who had the genius ideal to do fireworks during the halftime show with the band playing? Major fail all around on that one.

- Thought it was a great crowd attendance wise last night, students showed extremely well. The atmosphere was somewhat lacking. I think the game dictated that, let's face it that was not good football.

- Hate to sound like an old man here, but the lack of insight as to what was going on with some plays and reviews is frustrating. Lack of replays on the big screen is really annoying, especially when all they seemed to show were highlights from the previous year.

We had 30 points in a pedestrian effort on offense against Oregon State. We know Kill wouldn't run up a score even if he could....heck we could barely get past 14 points. LOL!

But would Claeys run up a score to get his offense some confidence? Whatchu think? I honestly don't know. Yes, 55 doesn't have a feel on this one.

Indiana State/Colorado state is maybe our only chance to see. I'd love for the fans and TCF Bank to see a blowout. We are overdue!

i know they are overrated, but I don't need Wisky fans going crazy by the them winning

Tennessee squeaks by App St and Michigan St struggling vs Furman. It's early so we're not the only ones. Good we got the win and time to build and move on.