Warning: The following is an irrational offseason fever dream. You have been warned.
Gonna be one epic Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe.
I've got the 9-2 (6-2) Gophers hosting the 8-3 (5-3) Skunks.
With a Gopher win, Minnesota goes to Indy.
With a Skunk win, either Iowa or Wisconsin goes to Indy depending on who won their head to head. (Hawkeyes 9-3 (6-3) with a loss at Michigan, and 2 losses out of the following 3 games: Minnesota, Wisconsin, Penn State
Minnesota is tied late in the 4th quarter with the Skunks driving. On 3rd down the Skunk QB throws a crossing route that is picked off by a streaking Antoine Winfield. Winfield has a head of steam when he catches the ball, and benefits from a couple blocks including Carter Coughlin decleating a Skunk WR. Winfield takes it for 6 and Minnesota retains Paul Bunyan's Axe, exiting conference play undefeated in trophy games (Axe, Pig, Chair), on its way Indy to play against Michigan for the chance to excise 50+ years of failure.
Against his better judgment, bowing not solely to student and alumni protests, but also goaded by his wife Heather, in a rare cocky move PJ Fleck comes out in his Tuesday presser and shocks the audience in challenging Harbaugh for the Jug.
'As great as it would be to win the first Big 10 title in half a century, would be even more fun to bring home the Jug and a Big 10 championship trophy to join the Pig and Axe in the trophy case. No, I'm still not sure where we're gonna put the damn Chair, but we'll figure something out'
Harbaugh---in the midst of the best year he's had since Colin Kaepernick ran roughshod over an NFL totally flummoxed by what was then CFB's staple play, the zone read, pauses with that famously bemused look of his, replies 'Yes I will bring the Jug, but only if Fleck chugs an entire glass of milk at the pregame presser (like a jackass*)'.
*subtext is implied, not stated aloud
Gophers win in OT after a Gopher drive is kept alive by a bogus PI penalty--the result of football karma from when Harbaugh stole the last Jug game when he successfully demanded an official pick up the flag after one of their biggest dudes was penalized for taking Mitch Leidner and body slamming him like it was WWE. Suck it, Harbaugh. We haven't forgotten.
Buoyed by success the city hasn't seen in 50 years, random celebrations and borderline riots break out across the entire Twin Cities metro, just outside of Dilworth a farmer shaves letters onto a bunch of cows so when lined up they read 'SKI-U-Mah RTB Go Gophers!' and the accompanying viral video garners 5 million views within a few days. Gopher fans rioting is the lead on every sports related show in the country.
Liz Gonzalez adopts the Gophers as one of the 27 teams she reps.
An anonymous billionaire contributes $50 million to ensure that Minnesota will always pay PJ Fleck a salary to match that of the coach he just beat. Minnesota sells out every home game of the 2020 season by mid-July, Marion Barber III announces that his partner is having triplets, all boys, and that the mother was an Olympic Medalist in the 100M dash and member of a US Olympic gold medal 4x100M relay team, Governor Walz dubs the Golden Gophers 'Minnesota's team' and proclaims that henceforth December 7th will be designated 'PJ Fleck day'.
After the Golden Gophers are pitted to play Texas in a New Year's Six bowl game, Sean William Scott and Matthew McConaughey engage in a stoned arm wrestling match on youtube. SWS wins and McConaughey is forced to wear the striped Gopher overalls and a Gopher ball cap as he joins the marching band in a performance of 'The Minnesota Rouser'.
Best of all, STP has no idea whom to bet on—one of the 11 teams he cheers for or the team he despises most of all?
Gonna be one epic Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe.
I've got the 9-2 (6-2) Gophers hosting the 8-3 (5-3) Skunks.
With a Gopher win, Minnesota goes to Indy.
With a Skunk win, either Iowa or Wisconsin goes to Indy depending on who won their head to head. (Hawkeyes 9-3 (6-3) with a loss at Michigan, and 2 losses out of the following 3 games: Minnesota, Wisconsin, Penn State
Minnesota is tied late in the 4th quarter with the Skunks driving. On 3rd down the Skunk QB throws a crossing route that is picked off by a streaking Antoine Winfield. Winfield has a head of steam when he catches the ball, and benefits from a couple blocks including Carter Coughlin decleating a Skunk WR. Winfield takes it for 6 and Minnesota retains Paul Bunyan's Axe, exiting conference play undefeated in trophy games (Axe, Pig, Chair), on its way Indy to play against Michigan for the chance to excise 50+ years of failure.
Against his better judgment, bowing not solely to student and alumni protests, but also goaded by his wife Heather, in a rare cocky move PJ Fleck comes out in his Tuesday presser and shocks the audience in challenging Harbaugh for the Jug.
'As great as it would be to win the first Big 10 title in half a century, would be even more fun to bring home the Jug and a Big 10 championship trophy to join the Pig and Axe in the trophy case. No, I'm still not sure where we're gonna put the damn Chair, but we'll figure something out'
Harbaugh---in the midst of the best year he's had since Colin Kaepernick ran roughshod over an NFL totally flummoxed by what was then CFB's staple play, the zone read, pauses with that famously bemused look of his, replies 'Yes I will bring the Jug, but only if Fleck chugs an entire glass of milk at the pregame presser (like a jackass*)'.
*subtext is implied, not stated aloud
Gophers win in OT after a Gopher drive is kept alive by a bogus PI penalty--the result of football karma from when Harbaugh stole the last Jug game when he successfully demanded an official pick up the flag after one of their biggest dudes was penalized for taking Mitch Leidner and body slamming him like it was WWE. Suck it, Harbaugh. We haven't forgotten.
Buoyed by success the city hasn't seen in 50 years, random celebrations and borderline riots break out across the entire Twin Cities metro, just outside of Dilworth a farmer shaves letters onto a bunch of cows so when lined up they read 'SKI-U-Mah RTB Go Gophers!' and the accompanying viral video garners 5 million views within a few days. Gopher fans rioting is the lead on every sports related show in the country.
Liz Gonzalez adopts the Gophers as one of the 27 teams she reps.
An anonymous billionaire contributes $50 million to ensure that Minnesota will always pay PJ Fleck a salary to match that of the coach he just beat. Minnesota sells out every home game of the 2020 season by mid-July, Marion Barber III announces that his partner is having triplets, all boys, and that the mother was an Olympic Medalist in the 100M dash and member of a US Olympic gold medal 4x100M relay team, Governor Walz dubs the Golden Gophers 'Minnesota's team' and proclaims that henceforth December 7th will be designated 'PJ Fleck day'.
After the Golden Gophers are pitted to play Texas in a New Year's Six bowl game, Sean William Scott and Matthew McConaughey engage in a stoned arm wrestling match on youtube. SWS wins and McConaughey is forced to wear the striped Gopher overalls and a Gopher ball cap as he joins the marching band in a performance of 'The Minnesota Rouser'.
Best of all, STP has no idea whom to bet on—one of the 11 teams he cheers for or the team he despises most of all?
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